No. A tiny, yet mighty word. To hear it can make us feel childlike; sheepish or in trouble.
How does it make you feel to say “no”?  Strong? Nervous? Guilty? Do you say it often enough?
In July, when the gymnast Simone Biles withdrew from most of her Olympics appearances, citing emotional exhaustion that was affecting her ability to perform, her “no” was a thunderbolt. Reactions were largely supportive, but opinions were divided along political lines in the US. White, male sports pundits (and, predictable as the arrow of time, Piers Morgan) used the word “selfish”.
It was a similar story when the tennis player Naomi Osaka withdrew from the French Open in May, speaking of “long bouts of depression” and “huge waves of anxiety” before her pre- and post-match press conferences.
For both women, after a lifetime of intensive training, in the world’s gaze, the stakes of saying no were huge. But the message was clear: they were removing themselves from systems that might not protect them.
A superstar athlete such as Biles pulling away from the most venerated sporting event in the world to prioritise her state of mind felt culturally seismic, yet remarkably simple. Why, if feeling completely overwhelmed, shouldn’t she put others’ expectations second? Why shouldn’t anyone?
The word is potent for non-athletes, too. As psychological themes become more ingrained in our daily lexicon, “boundaries” has become a buzzy word. But in our interpersonal relationships, defining personal limits can be problematic.
“We live in a society that does not glorify choosing yourself. It is not honoured,” says relationship therapist Nedra Tawwab, author of the recently published book Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself. “We are constantly living in others’ headspace and not our own heart space. We’re thinking about what they might say or do; whether they’ll be angry, or whether setting a boundary will even end the relationship.” It is normal to care, “but when your life is impacted by not having healthy boundaries for yourself, we need to pay attention”, insists Tawwab.
When there are hierarchies of power – such as in the workplace – saying no can feel particularly difficult. But as the borders between work and the rest of our lives have become increasingly blurred, thanks to more people home-working, it is even more vital. “Research tells us that people who proactively state their boundaries, such as leaving or stopping work on time, taking leave or prioritising non-work-related activities, are much better at managing their mental health,” says Dr Jo Yarker, an occupational psychologist, researcher and senior lecturer at Birkbeck University, London.
Sometimes it doesn’t feel safe to speak up, for a fear of being rejected. And while saying no can be hard at first experts suggest practising can help. “In any power-difference relationship, it’s often emotion that leads a conversation about limitations, because we feel threatened or vulnerable. This is particularly true when we are exhausted or under a lot of pressure. But if we want action, we need to lead on logic and reason and with an understanding of our desired outcome.”
The key is practising saying “no” or “enough” in conversations like we are learning a new skill. “We can start with little boundaries like: ‘I will call you back,’ if we aren’t ready to speak to someone at that time. With practice, confidence does build. It can become easy.”
For any human being, Olympian or otherwise, learning when to say no can bring peace. And isn’t that something we all deserve?