Being a motivational speaker, means I am quite comfortable with talking, but a few years ago I realised that my listening skills could definitely do with some fine tuning. So far it’s been going well.
Around the same time, I also embarked on my journey to becoming a certified life coach. Part of being a coach involves extended periods of active, intense listening to my clients during coaching sessions.
What I have learnt is that most people go through the feeling that they are not being heard and that no one really understands or sees them. They wish to be listened to more; most people’s deepest desire is simply to be heard. So by listening rather than talking, I can offer a precious gift to the person sitting in front of me who is speaking. Especially, when I’m really present and taking in everything that person is saying and not thinking about what I am going to eat for lunch.
Have you ever thought about how much talking you do on an average day versus how much listening you do? I am talking about real active listening, where you are giving your full concentration to what the other person is saying and taking it in, word by word, instead of planning the clever thing you’ll reply the moment they finish their sentence. When was the last time you had a long face to face conversation without picking up your phone to check your Whatsapp messages?
If you are like the old me, the answer is: Nowhere near enough. In the past I used to always find myself constantly interrupting, insisting, asking questions and worse still, checking my phone while
people were trying to talk to me. Now, even in groups I tend to speak a lot less and listen a whole lot more. What I have noticed is a lot of people have a tendency to treat conversations like a competitive game. It’s almost like the person who speaks the most, makes the cleverest point, convinces others of an opinion, or speaks the loudest, somehow becomes the winner.
Being a coach has taught me; the biggest gift I can give a person is the gift of listening. When you really listen to them, you really see them. Not just the exterior, the clothes and the surface layer, but I mean you really, really see them. Their hopes, their dreams all the years of hard work they have put in to be the person that they are today. That is one of the biggest gifts you can give a person.
Why don’t you offer a loved one the gift of active listening this weekend? Try it and let me know how it worked for you.
* The author is a consultant and coach. Instagram handle: @miss_shefa, Website: missshefa.com
Shefa Ali
