 |
You know how this goes. You and your spouse have specific areas of disagreement. If you go in that direction, you will set off verbal dynamite.
Or, do you and your teen have emotional land mines? After you shout and spew, however, nothing has been fixed. You feel rather sick inside.
In order to stop arguing and open real communication, you have to think ahead. Something needs to change. Or, to be more exact, someone needs to change.
That “someone” may be you.
It pays to take a deeper look at where your true power lies.
Keep in mind that you have to look for control buttons to push. Try talking about solutions before the bomb goes off. Study what’s going on and what can be changed.
Ask yourself, “What things can I do to ensure these monster problems don’t take centre stage in this relationship?”
Or ask the other person, “Are you willing to do something differently, if we can define something else that will work?”
Count yourself lucky if the person you’re arguing with has some level of maturity. A mature person can think for himself and the other person in a kind, caring way.
Consider these truths about personal clashing:
People fight when they have no real answers. For example, if your spouse tells you, “I will not allow your alcoholic brother to move in with us,” you may argue vehemently that your brother will move in. That’s because you can’t envision a viable alternative.
Constant arguing will devour a relationship. You may need to search hard and long for answers. Go to a counsellor, if necessary, even if you go by yourself. Arguments without solutions eat up all of the good feelings between two people.
To cool down arguing, it pays to create a relationship insurance policy of sorts. Plan in detail how to guard your life from ill-timed or ill-fated arguments with anyone.
“I once argued daily with my husband about his family,” says a friend of ours we’ll call Patty. “I finally told myself I’d set up a new way to focus my own thoughts.”
Patty created a self-help plan that went something like this:
lShe decided to create some new topics of conversation. She got her husband involved in going to the gym and hiking with her.
lShe cut back idle conversation about her in-laws. Patty told us she mentioned their names so much in recent years, it was like they lived in her house.
Patty also talked to her husband about screening phone calls from troublesome relatives. He is now screening them religiously.
Keep in mind that all of your relatives, and your spouse’s relatives, know what pushes your buttons. Instead of changing the relatives or their selfish behaviours, change everything else that you possibly can.
“My ex-wife was bombarding our home voice mail and our e-mail,” says a man we’ll call Rodney. “I finally knew I had to get a handle on the problem. My present wife could hear us fighting over the kids or other issues.”
Rodney changed his e-mail address and re-routed his phone number. He set up a way to forward his ex-wife’s calls to his mobile phone.
“I’ve let my ex-wife know that I want to hear solutions from her,” says Rodney. “I told her to give me concrete ideas for what I can realistically do concerning the kids. We’re talking friendlier now, because I drew a new line in the sand. My boundary is this: Provide some solutions along with the problem you want to discuss.”
l Judi Hopson and Emma Hopson are authors of a stress management book for paramedics, firefighters and police, Burnout to Balance: EMS Stress. Ted Hagen is a family psychologist. You may contact the authors through the website www.hopsonglobal.com