Do your anxiety levels rise when see the mess in your teenager’s room? Or, do you feel you’re neglecting an ageing parent? Things can start to fall apart when we have too much to do.
Consider a mom we’ll call Kathy. Kathy has three teenagers, and she just got a divorce.
“I can handle the divorce, the money issues and my loneliness,” says Kathy. “What I can’t handle is how my teenagers won’t help with the chores.”
This mom’s stress is rising because she never taught her kids to help in the first place. She emphasises that finding time to visit her parents or balance the chequebook is driving her crazy.
We advised Kathy to get a few systems in place. A system is a plan that works well over time. Kathy took our advice and now does the following:
lShe gives each teen two small chores per day. Her list includes tasks such as loading the dishwasher or sweeping the kitchen. Cleaning a large bathtub or sweeping out the garage count as two chores.
lShe visits her parents two mornings per week. Kathy has a flexible work schedule, so she has breakfast with her parents on Wednesdays and Saturdays.
lShe pays the bills on Sunday nights. After dinner, Kathy takes an hour to balance her chequebook and write out bills to put in the mail.
Creating good systems will keep you from worrying too much.
A man we’ll call Don told us he figured out a way to deal with his ex-wife. They were always at odds over their kids. Don’s new wife wasn’t happy with all of the late-night phone calls coming in from the ex.
“Mary Ann, my first wife, is not a difficult person,” says Don. “But, she just needed to know how to manage a few things with our kids. This was wrecking my new wife’s nerves, so I had to come up with a system.”
Don came up with a plan that is working well. He calls his ex-wife every Wednesday night around 8pm. They discuss issues about their two children. Don actually meets his ex-wife every two weeks to talk about issues further. They meet at his brother’s house.
“This system keeps the tension at bay,” says Don. “My present wife is not thrilled with the plan, but it beats the alternative. I will always have a connection with my ex-wife because of our children, so I have to deal with it like an adult.”
A well-designed system can smooth out work relationships, too. For example, a newspaper editor we’ll call Elizabeth was ready to fire an assistant.
“The assistant, a college student, was not following through with phone calls,” says Elizabeth. “We were failing to line up interviews and research for local stories.
“When I sat down with the assistant, I learned that she was overloaded. Our newspaper publisher, who was back in college for a master’s degree, was having my assistant do online research for some of his classes!
“I knew I had to put the brakes on something!” says Elizabeth. “So, I went to the publisher to have him come up with a system.”
Elizabeth reports that her publisher said he would change the plan. He now pays the assistant to do three hours of research on weekends only. He pays her $20 per hour, so the assistant is making an extra $240 per month.
“A good system works for everybody involved,” says Elizabeth. “It doesn’t throw anybody off track.”
* Judi Light Hopson is the executive director of the stress management website USA Wellness Cafe at www.usawellnesscafe.com. Emma Hopson is an author and a nurse educator. Ted Hagen is a family psychologist.
