Do you have a friend who seems “needy” for lots of attention?
She may always have a drama going on. For example, does she take hours to tell you about a speeding ticket? Or, does she actively grieve over a love relationship that ended 10 years ago?
It’s important to figure out if your friend is aching for a parent figure. This type of emotional deprivation stems from lack of parental nurturing in his or her early years.
What’s irritating is that an adult in this situation can try to make a parent out of you.
A parent-starved individual can have a big empty hole in his heart because his parents both worked 16-hour days. There was no time for receiving attention. Or, a needy friend might have grown up in a dysfunctional or abusive family.
At any rate, it can become hurtful and confusing to deal with an adult with these kinds of issues.
Consider a woman we’ll call Dawn. For three years, Dawn has been trying to soothe her friend, Kayla. Kayla calls every night at 8 and talks until 10.
“If I didn’t wriggle off the phone, Kayla would talk until midnight,” says Dawn.
Kayla gives a minute-by-minute accounting of what went wrong that day. It’s an exhausting experience for Dawn, but she doesn’t know how to change the relationship.
We explained to Dawn that Kayla is still craving attention and soothing that a small child requires. Dawn must know how to manage the friendship, so that it doesn’t extract too much energy from her.
Here’s what we suggested:
lState your time limits and stick to them. For example, if a needy friend says, “You won’t believe what happened to me this week,” be sure to say, “Can you give me the highlights? I’ve only got 15 minutes, because I need to make some other calls.”
l Figure out mutual activities that work for you. Decide where you can spend time comfortably with this person. Go to a venue together, for example, but don’t allow a needy friend to corner you in a restaurant booth for two hours.
Steering clear of a needy person’s chaos might not be doable, however, without quitting the relationship altogether.
You may need to back away slowly and totally end your friendship without wasting more time trying to improve it.
Here are some traits of a needy person who creates way too much chaos:
lHe constantly makes bad judgment calls. Instead of buying a car with a reasonable $300 per month payment, for example, he buys a car with a $600 monthly payment. Then, he needs constant loans from you.
lShe talks a great game but cannot walk it. For example, your friend may share that she’s going to collect money for a community charity. But, after two weeks of collecting money, she wants you to take over the project for some odd-ball reason.
lNothing is ever right. The more you try to offer advice and help to emotionally stabilise your friend, the more he complains. For example, if you wrote the perfect plan for him to get out of debt, he would give you at least 20 reasons why the plan would never work.
By looking at the friendship from this perspective, you can decide if you want to continue having this person in your life.
Keep in mind, however, that you can never change him or her. You can only change yourself and make better choices in relation to what’s going on.
lJudi Light Hopson is the executive director of the stress management website USA Wellness Cafe at www.usawellnesscafe.com. Emma Hopson is an author and a nurse educator. Ted Hagen is a family psychologist.
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