Do you feel drained by family drama? Do you fantasise about fine-tuning the brains of friends and co-workers?
If so, you’re likely itching to fix people, making them exactly as you’d like them to be.
Maybe you want somebody to listen more and talk less.
Or, do you wish someone would take on more responsibility? Another fantasy: maybe you would settle for someone showing more respect for you.
We’d all love to be able to turn a few screws inside the heads of people we know.
If they could change, it would lighten our stress and make our own lives easier to manage.
But, fixing others is not something you can do.
Life simply doesn’t work that way.
What does work is figuring how to change yourself in relation to other people.
This way, others won’t get on your nerves so badly.
These tips can help:
lLearn to set boundaries with yourself.
You might, for instance, refuse to engage in an argument by telling yourself, “I will not throw a punch, if someone jabs at me.
I’ll stay as cool as possible.” Or, you might fire an employee without sounding off about all of your complaints.
You might decide to keep things civil and even-handed.
l Ask for exactly what you need.
If you’re having a tough time collecting rent from a tenant, just say, “I need at least half of the rent by Tuesday.
Otherwise, you have 10 days to move.” Or, tell your daughter, “I need you to be home by 9 on school nights.”
l Figure out a win/win situation ahead of time.
By guiding difficult people, you are taking the high road.
Tell your soon-to-be ex-spouse, “Let’s try to create a financial agreement that helps both of us move on.
I need to feel okay about this, and I want you to feel comfortable with the agreement as well.”
lKnow what others are likely to do in reality.
If you know your mother-in-law gossips, don’t delude yourself.
Do not tell her your secrets.
If you know someone will cause problems for you, don’t give them any ammunition.
For instance, plan carefully what information you share with others.
Or, ask for what you know you can get.
“I’ve learned that the best way to keep others from driving you crazy is to take charge,” says a nurse we’ll call Janie.
Janie works at a large medical center in Virginia.”We have to each manage ourselves in relation to other people.
We keep the control buttons when we plan our behaviors.
By not pushing too many buttons, this makes finding control easier as well.”
Janie firmly believes that people sometimes argue, chatter on, complain, and give us a hard time to keep from cooperating.
They jump up and down so things will stay the same.
“Stay logical and cool,” Jane insists.”If people try to yank a piece of your hair, don’t react the way they expect.
Instead, tell them you don’t want drama.
You want to work things out smoothly.
If someone is resisting change, they hate this.
They want you to squawk, so they can feel justified in slamming you.”
A judge we’ll call Daniel says he can spot the trouble-makers in his courtroom.”They are the ones trying to put everyone into an emotional state,” says Daniel.”They like to get the emotional boat rocking, so they can diffuse the truth and avoid change.”
- Judi Light Hopson is the executive director of the stress management website USA Wellness Cafe at www.usawellnesscafe.com
- Emma Hopson is an author and a nurse educator. Ted Hagen is a family psychologist.
