By Barton Goldsmith Tribune News Service
People raise eyebrows at couples who are far apart in terms of age. Anything more than 10 years apart is subject to question. The real truth is that there are so many other things that matter more when it comes to long-lasting love than how old the two of you are.
A person’s age (compared to yours) is not as important as having good communication and knowing how to fight fairly so that you can keep your family together for the decades ahead. It pales in the face of how nice you are to each other and how much love you feel and share. Happy marriages can be found with many couples who have a 20-plus year gap between them, and that is fine if you love each.
For many years in traditional marriages, with husband as breadwinner and wife as mom and homemaker, it was considered appropriate for a man to marry a younger woman, even 15 years younger. The thinking at the time was partly that she would remain young enough to take care of him as he aged, and she would have the inheritance and the children to help her as she got older.
As times changed and more women entered the work force, the old system began to become less than ideal for many. More people looked for a mate closer in age, with the belief that the more you have in common, the easier it is to get along in the long term. True in many cases, but now the pendulum is swinging in the opposite direction, and women are openly looking for younger men. Some say they don’t want to do the caretaking thing (which could be a red flag). Others say that they want a guy who can keep up with them (which makes sense).
What you want your life to be like is something that you need to discuss before you make a long-term commitment, especially if one of you has kids or wants them and the other doesn’t. Another big difference can show up if either of you wants to retire. Ignoring your differences will not make them go away, for resentments will build. This is something that you will want to talk about before you walk down the aisle.
The most important factor for making a relationship successful is mutual respect. If you don’t feel and give respect to your partner, your relationship will whither. Love is powerful, but lack of respect can be a relationship killer. True, some people can get used to it, but it has a toxic effect on both of you.
Disparaging terms like “cougar” and “dirty old man” have been around a long time, and labels can make people seem less than human. In the end, a wide gap in age really doesn’t matter as long as the two of you are aware of what it means for your life together.
Don’t let someone else’s bad experience with an older or younger man or woman dissuade you from being with the person you love.
Dr Barton Goldsmith, a psychotherapist in Westlake Village, California, is the author of The Happy Couple: How to Make Happiness a Habit One Little Loving Thing at a Time. Follow his daily insights on Twitter at @BartonGoldsmith, or e-mail him at [email protected]
