By Barton Goldsmith/Tribune News Service
Sometimes it can be very hard to stand up for yourself when you are wrongly accused or being challenged in a confrontational way. Most people stay as far away from confrontation as possible, but unfortunately it is a part of life and cannot be avoided completely. Learning to stand up for yourself may be one of the most important things you can do to keep your life moving in a positive direction.
Being bullied or threatened is traumatic, and even though you may be in the right, someone who knows your trigger points can use them against you by being aggressive and thereby causing you to want to shut down and run away or, worse, take the blame and give the aggressor whatever it is he or she wants. Once bullies know that they can get over on you, they won’t stop. You must learn to protect yourself in these situations. Walking away is one way to do that, but there are others that could be more beneficial and keep you from having to do something (or pay for something) that you’d rather not.
Preparing yourself for these situations is a good idea, and it will also help you find strength in other areas of your life. Start out by looking at how you react when you are confronted, and understand that we act differently depending on who is giving us a hard time. For example, when my 17-year-old is asking for money to get her nose pierced, and I say no, she is going to give me attitude, and maybe say something a little mean and inappropriate. What I need to do is correct her, tell her that it isn’t okay for her to speak to me that way, and close the conversation by telling her that I love her - and her nose.
When the confrontation comes from an adult, perhaps a coworker or even someone you thought was a friend, you need to deal with it a little differently. First, you can ask the person if he or she is willing to have a two-way conversation about the issue. If the answer is no, then you need to respond by saying something like: “Okay, when you are ready to talk about it, I am open, but I won’t be verbally assaulted by anyone.” I know these are strong words and may be scary to say (especially if the other person has more power or is bigger than you), but you cannot allow yourself to be abused for any reason, because it isn’t right and it opens the door for more abuse to happen.
Once the other person is calm enough to discuss what the problem with you is, you can begin to correct any misunderstandings or miscommunications. Also, if you have made a mistake, be grown up enough to admit it. What’s important here is that you don’t put yourself in the position to be emotionally injured.
There is a lot to think about, and most of the practice for this kind of thing has to take place in your own head. But think long and hard, because no one has the right to make you cower, and if you are in the right, you should be proud of it.
- Dr Barton Goldsmith, a psychotherapist in Westlake Village, California, is the author of The Happy Couple: How to Make Happiness a Habit One Little Loving Thing at a Time. Follow his daily insights on Twitter at @BartonGoldsmith, or e-mail him at [email protected]
