By Judi Light Hopson, Emma H Hopson and Ted Hagen/Tribune News Service
Do you ever blurt out profanities and personal aggravations in front of children? If you’re an average human being, it’s likely you’re guilty. However, it’s always a good idea to scrutinise yourself.
Watching how you react to the world, children will develop their own attitudes and relationships skills. All adults, when it comes to kids, are teachers.
“A woman who was shopping over the holidays was acting nuts,” a friend of ours told us recently. We’ll call our friend, Elizabeth.
“I saw this young mother pushing a buggy in a discount clothing store,” Elizabeth said. “She was frantically searching the racks for coats, chattering on a cell phone, and ordering her small daughter to pay attention.
Elizabeth said: “The mother told her child, ‘Hang onto me, because a crazy person would love to grab a cute little girl like you. Now, just imagine what that would be like!’”
Our friend said she wanted to grab this woman by the hair and yell, “Put the cell phone away! It’s up to you to look after the child!”
Elizabeth told us what came next, a minute or two later. The cell phone rang, and the woman told her caller this, right in front of the child: “Our relationship is screwed up, and I already told you where to go! Are you deaf or something?!”
Now, one afternoon of sloppy communication might not warp a child. But imagine this kind of parenting over a lifetime.
This shopping mom was telling her child (and all people within earshot) these things: Crazy people are coming after small children, little girls need to be frightened, I’m a mom who’s dating and not doing well, and I cope with life by condemning people who get on my nerves.
A woman in our office, whom we’ll call Becky, says she flubbed up bigger than this with her niece, who’s 10.
“My boyfriend started dating my roommate right after Thanksgiving,” Becky told us. “When I caught them together in a fast food restaurant, I threw my purse at my ex. I then went wild and dashed a drink in his face and called the girlfriend names that no 10-year-old should hear. When I came to my senses, I looked over to see a kindergarten class eating their burgers and taking in my meltdown!”
It does take sheer willpower to behave sanely in front of children.
The following tips can help:
l Learn to speak about feelings versus acting them out. For example, tell your kids: “I feel very stressed out today, so I’m going to try to calm down and relax a little.”
l Use some humour to neutralise madness. For instance, if you do catch your spouse cheating and your kids hear your tirade, you could say: “I vow not to act that crazy anymore. It’s not worth it to make myself look that bad, now is it?!”
l Teach your kids to reverse stress for others. Show them how to comfort someone, offer some practical help or kindness, and realise they have power to make a difference in others’ lives.
Kids learn by watching, so act out your best self whenever possible. Play the movie and look down the road 20 years. Ask yourself, Will I be proud of what I’ve taught? Or, will my kids say I was a bad role model?
♦ Judi Light Hopson is the executive director of the stress management website USA Wellness Cafe (at www.usawellnesscafe.com). Emma Hopson is an author and a nurse educator. Ted Hagen is a family psychologist.
