|
Unless you both agree all the time about everything, having a good relationship will require compromises. You each need to have input and to take in what is needed by your partner. If you are unable to find this balance, it will affect your intimacy, and your relationship will become a power struggle instead of a safe harbour. |
You may need to talk about what is and isn’t going on between the two of you. If you have stopped being kind to one another, that’s a strong sign that there is more than just a disagreement going on.
One of the things you can do is agree to be nicer to each other. When a negative dynamic has developed in your relationship, you need to start treating each other again the way you did when you were dating.
Doing little things for each other, like opening car doors and bringing flowers, cooking nice meals, and telling each other that you appreciate one another, can make all the difference. It’s all about showing each other that you care.
When you are struggling with your emotional connection to your partner, the rest of life becomes more difficult to navigate. When you don’t have enough support, it’s harder to make things work the way you want them to. It can also stifle your creative energy, and the two of you may end up spending your evenings in different rooms watching television or playing with the computer.
If that’s what’s going on now, it’s time to make a change. First off, try to spend at least some of the evening together. Watching TV together is fine, but talking is much better.
If one of you has some work to do, take your laptop into the living room, so you can be with your partner while you are getting your work done. Just being in the same space will help break down the walls and let you begin to reconnect.
To rebuild your intimacy, you need to do things together and talk to each other. It sounds simple, but it can be challenging, especially if you have been at odds for a while and have gotten used to passing each other in the house without saying a word. Just saying “good morning” each day is a good way to get started.
If you’ve been feeling critical of your partner, it helps to look for things that are positive about his or her behaviour instead of trying to catch your mate messing up and using that to bolster your position. Remember that you like (or used to like) your partner. Kindness is highly underused when couples are mad at each other, but it is one of the best tools you have available to reconnect and bring the love back into your lives.
If you need some additional help, there are many great books, videos, and tons of info on the Internet, and there’s always counselling.
If you want to make your relationship work, now is the time to use all of the tools at your disposal and to find a few new ones.
Ending a long-term relationship is a sad choice to make when all that’s necessary to save it is some deep communication.
♦ Dr Barton Goldsmith, a psychotherapist in Westlake Village, California, is the author of The Happy Couple: How to Make Happiness a Habit One Little Loving Thing at a Time. Follow his daily insights on Twitter at @BartonGoldsmith, or e-mail him at [email protected]
