Never compare your child with any other child’s performance. Each child has his or her own aptitude and intellectual ability.
By Bindu Salim
It is a stressful time for children — crucial government board exams are just around the corner for senior students while the juniors are also gearing up for their annual exams. Both youngsters and their parents are equally nervous, which can bring out the best as well as the worst in all concerned.
Gulf Times Community spoke to Doha-based student counsellor and consultant psychologist, Dr Bindu Salim and asked her about the behavioural patterns among children and their parents during exam time and also about a host of issues related to youngsters, especially adolescents.
Dealing with stress ...
Pre-board and model exams have definitely reduced the stress factor to a considerable extent among students. But some of them may still feel very stressed out which could be due to family problems or unrealistic expectations from their parents.
Stress can have a very adverse effect on the mind and body. Students usually complain about constant fatigue and tiredness. They may even forget what they have already learned.
They may have psychosomatic disorders like aches and pains for no apparent reason, poor appetite, social withdrawal, loss of interest in activities, increased anxiety and irritability. They may complain about headaches or migraines. Blurred vision, dizziness and a feeling of helplessness is also common, especially among students whose academic performance is average or below-average. Even parents go through such stress on behalf of their children.
Tips for students:
m Have a very clear study plan. Go through previous years’ question papers — complete revision truly helps in better preparation for the exams.
m There should be constant interaction with subject teachers. Clear all your doubts with them.
m Take out time for yourself in between your studies. Indulge in some short recreational activity. Generally, after every 45 minutes of study time, you should take at least 5-10 minutes break.
m Doing regular exercise or yoga and meditation helps to reduce stress.
m Eat well, skipping meals will deplete your energy.
m Don’t shut out yourself from the people around you — speak to your family members and friends. You can even go out for a short duration and meet up your friends.
m If you feel extremely depressed, talk to your school counsellor.
Tips for parents:
m Understand your children’s study cycle or routine. Don’t put unnecessary pressure on them to come up with high grades. Have realistic expectations.
m Encourage your children to take breaks during study hours and don’t think that they are wasting time.
m Encourage them to exercise and eat a balanced diet.
m Understand that children too need their personal space. For each stage of their growth, they have a developmental need. Try to understand these needs.
m Be supportive and help to alleviate the worries by talking to your children.
m Refrain from constant nagging.
m Allow your children to study the way they are comfortable with. Don’t impose your ideas on them.
m If they are revising at night, ensure that they make up for the lost sleep during daytime.
m Never ever compare your child with any other child’s performance. Each child has his or her own aptitude and intellectual ability which govern their performance.
m Keep track of your child’s performance right from the beginning of the new academic year. Attend parent-teacher meetings to understand your child’s behaviour and performance at school.
m Don’t compare your past with your child’s present. Things have changed drastically and accept the changes.
What if they fail ....?
Failure leads to depression among youngsters and in extreme cases develops into suicidal tendencies. Therefore children should have a trustworthy person within the family or outside with whom they can share their concerns.
How they face failure depends on person to person — some students who are aware of their capability face the failure bravely while those who had very high expectations, struggle to come to terms with the reality. Some take failure as a challenge while others get bogged down.
At such times, strong support and motivation from parents, teachers and peers can help them to recoup with perseverance and pass in the subsequent attempts.
Youngsters should remember that there is nothing like ‘complete failure’ because one can always bounce back. Parents should teach their children to face different situations always in an optimistic way.
Students should make it a point to introspect themselves on a daily basis — this will help them to realise what are their flaws as well as strengths. They have to assess themselves regularly.
In the school, teachers should give equal attention to all the students so that no single child feels neglected.
Agonies of adolescence ...
The adolescence period of children is generally termed as ‘terrible teens’, ‘dreaded age,’ etc. Such labelling is not appropriate because it brings unnecessary apprehension among the adolescents who will be already coping up with many growing up issues.
There will be an identity crisis, because they don’t know which role they are supposed to play. Sometimes their parents chide them by saying, “Now you are grown-up and should not act like a child,” while at other times, they are reminded that, “You are still a child.”
Youngsters will be confused about many things around them. They also have to face increased competitiveness in education.
Adolescents need to be treated normally and not like matured individuals. Even if they have grown physically, it doesn’t mean that they stop craving love and care from their parents.
Some of the commonly-observed behavioural problems among teenagers are:
m Psychosomatic disorders like emotional imbalance due to hormonal changes in the body; self-destructive behaviour, mainly self-inflicting tendency which is becoming quite common now.
m Children will be generally short-tempered, impulsive and express aggressive behaviour which in some cases may transform into anti-social activities.
m There may be change in their appetite and they may suffer from eating disorders like anorexia (restricted consumption of food) or bulimia (compulsive overeating).
m Sleep disorders — oversleeping or lack of sleep (insomnia).
m Decline in academic performance.
m Excessive sexual thoughts due to over exposure to various media.
m Increased absenteeism at school (Teachers should take notice if a student is missing classes too often. There may be an underlying cause like stress or depression. Even the parents should focus on this issue).
m Substance dependence like smoking.
m Burden of realising the unfulfilled dreams and aspirations of their parents.
m Coping up with peer pressure. (If the youngsters are not confirming to group norms, they are left out which make them feel worthless thereby affecting their self-esteem)
Avoid ‘helicopter parenting’ ...
Parents generally have a mental block against the ideas of new generation. They should open up and accept the changes. They should spend quality time with their children and listen to what they have to say. They should behave more like friends with their children.
Most of the parental behaviour that we see in the Gulf is ‘helicopter parenting’ where the parents are over-protective and hover above each and every aspect of their children’s life.
This attitude is opposed by children because they feel that people who want to always control them cannot understand them. This leads to rebellious behaviour.
Children tend to find out new sources of emotional catharsis which could be in the form of inappropriate friendships, frequenting social networking sites and so on.
The good and bad of Internet ...
There’s no doubt that Internet is influencing adolescent behaviour and communication. Adolescents have become very dependent on Internet and fancy electronic gadgets. Generally, things that they can’t say on someone’s face, they express on social networking sites. For them, it is like escapism from real people and issues.
Nowadays, even the parents are addicted to the Internet and electronic media. In a household, it is quite common to see all the family members busy with one gadget or the other even when they are sitting together. Therefore it is necessary that the parents set a good example for their children by limiting their own usage of gadgets to minimum.
They should understand that constant face-to-face interaction with their children is the only way to protect them from Internet addiction.
If used properly, the Internet can help in enhancing problem-solving and decision-making skills. But the youngsters are using the Net mainly for gaming and chatting.
Studies have shown that violent games make them more aggressive which affects their concentration levels and hinders their decision-making skills. Overexposure to Internet may reduce their inhibitions and lead to inappropriate behaviour.
On many occasions, parents don’t know how to use certain programs on computers or online tools and they seek their children’s help to understand the same. This role reversal may sometimes lead to weakening of parental authority wherein children would start disrespecting their ‘ignorant’ parents. However it might even foster better communication and bonding between parents and children.
Though Internet is an agent for socialisation, too much of it can lead to inadequate socialisation, hostility and aggression. This would in turn damage the youngsters’ relationship with family members and peers.
Children from affluent families flaunt fancy gadgets. Those children who don’t have such gadgets experience a technological divide. They feel left out and suffer from inferiority complex.
Emotions have to be learnt by seeing how people talk and react to a particular situation. Due to Internet, children don’t observe these things and therefore lack emotions. They have become less sensitive.
Perils of pornography ...
Parents should constantly monitor their children’s Internet usage. There are certain software programs which can be used to unblock obscene or inappropriate websites. Parents must be vigilant about this. If they are friendly with their children and communicate freely, then the children will share their surfing habits with them.
Talking of pornographic content, the audience for such material is generally male youngsters. Pornography shows women as objects of desire due to which the boys get a distorted image of femininity. Too much of exposure to porn may even lead to grave issues like criminal psychopathic tendencies. Parents should teach their sons to respect women.
If there are cases of sexual abuse and the children want to talk about it with their parents, they should be encouraged to open up.
Parents should trust their children and accept what they are saying rather than playing down the issue. They should talk to them and help them to come out of their trauma.
Special workshops should be organised to provide proper sex education for children.
Importance of communication ....
For parents:
m The parents’ manner of communication is often like sermonising. To have a proper two-way communication, you also have to listen to your children. Look into their eyes when they are talking and don’t interrupt.
m Teenagers tend to give more importance to their friends but you should not feel offended by their behaviour. Accept their friends.
m Try to spend some quality time with your children, especially during meal times. Again, it should be some positive talk and not just advice.
m Keep an eye on the personality development and behavioural pattern of your children right from their early childhood. If there is any serious issue, nip it in the bud itself.
m Try to understand your children, respect and accept their tastes and choices. Show them that you have an active interest in their life, but avoid over-parenting.
m Always celebrate your children’s achievements. Give those occasional hugs and a pat on their back.
m Avoid sarcasm, criticism and yelling. Forgive their mistakes.
m Be positive and non-judgemental.
m Rather than telling them to do things, ask them what could be the best solution for a certain problem. Sit together and discuss.
m Guide them and help them to realise their goals.
m Be empathetic and have unconditional positive love for your children.
m Let your children get a feeling that no matter what you are always there to support them.
For teachers:
m Be more open with your students.
m Besides academic responsibilities, try to create an environment of trust and understanding so that students can speak to you in case they have any issues bothering them.
m Accept your students as they are. Don’t insult them in front of their peers.
m Motivate them to give their best.
m Schools should highlight the role of student counsellors so that children are aware that they have someone who is trustworthy with whom they can freely share their problems and concerns.
Finally, the youngsters should realise that everybody goes through problems in life.
Speaking with their parents, teachers or the school counsellor can help them to overcome their stress. They need to consider difficult situations as a passing phase and count on their near and dear ones for love, care and support. — As told to Usha Desai
