Do you need to put a co-worker in her place? Do you need to let off steam with a family member?
All of us have people who get under our skin. But this kind of problem can eat away at us.
There comes a time when it’s best to face off with someone. Otherwise, you will lose self-respect and rattle your own nervous system.
“I started having nightmares over a maladjusted man at work,” says a woman we’ll call Brenda who works for a small establishment. “This co-worker has criticised me with hate in his eyes several times.”
Brenda didn’t want to lose her job, so she swallowed her emotions and her pride.
“When I’d go to sleep,” says Brenda, “I’d wake up screaming if I dreamed about him.”
Brenda’s husband, Paul, finally sat down with her to figure out a plan.
Paul, a fire chief, helped Brenda practise some language to use on her co-worker. Brenda decided to describe the problem in one sit-down session to see if she would be taken seriously.
“I wanted to see if my critical co-worker, Craig, cared that he upset other people,” says Brenda. “If not, I would go higher up to complain.” Craig reluctantly agreed to meet with Brenda after lunch one day.
Brenda used the following techniques, which her husband, Paul, learned in a leadership session we conducted for firefighters:
lShe calmly asked for a face-to-face meeting. Sitting down with an adversary is a serious step. It shows you’re asking for accountability.
lShe described her feelings logically. Brenda said things such as, “You have hurt my feelings on a number of occasions,” and “The way you speak to me hurts my pride.”
lShe waited for a response. Brenda knew that she did not have a conversation under way until her adversary jumped in and showed some emotional maturity.
“I didn’t say a whole lot at first,” Brenda told us. “I just spoke about my feelings in a calm way.”
When you have a situation that’s emotionally charged, try to resist raising your voice or fighting back. This puts you in control.
The ideal reaction you want is a full confession. Of course, this probably won’t happen.
You may get a combination of half-hearted apologies and intense criticism of your own actions or inadequacies. You may get slammed harder.
Brenda told Craig to just think about what she’d said. “Take some time to reflect on this,” Brenda told him. “I’m just sharing my own feelings today.”
She went on to tell Craig: “I want to like you as a person, and of course, I want to respect you.”
In Brenda’s case, Craig came back to her within a week. He said he knew he’d been harsh.
“He told me he was a perfectionist, and he admitted he wanted to control everyone around him,” Brenda told us.
Brenda told Craig: “I’ve known several perfectionists over the years. You’re intentions are good, I’m sure. But can you soften up your approach just a bit?”
We’re glad to report that Craig took a step back, thought about what Brenda had said, and made an attitude adjustment.
“He’s calmed down a lot,” says Brenda. “When he saw I wasn’t going to escalate the situation, he did try to change.”
Every case is different, but by speaking your emotions versus acting them out, you create the best chance of getting more co-operation.

- Judi Light Hopson is the executive director of the stress management website USA Wellness Cafe at www.usawellnesscafe.com. Emma Hopson is an author and a nurse educator. Ted Hagen is a family psychologist.

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