By Judi Light Hopson, Emma H Hopson and Ted Hagen/Tribune News Service

Are your co-workers, close relatives and good pals telling you all of their problems?
Just listening to everybody’s madness may have you avoiding the phone or live contact.
For example, one group of senior citizens told us they’ve stopped having their weekly coffee klatsch (a social gathering). Why? Because it was turning into a stressful “therapy session”.
This group met faithfully every Tuesday morning in the dining hall of their condo complex. This ritual had taken place for over 15 years.
“I used to look forward to getting together with my neighbours,” says a woman in this group we’ll call Elizabeth. “But, about a year ago, people starting sharing all their bad news. It took on the markings of a group psychotic rant!”
Most of us could tell some stress-related tales that would depress anyone. But if we’re wise, we’ll learn to govern how we share bad news. Also, we need to figure out how to deal properly when disgruntled people are out to dump their stress on us.
These tips can help you steer conversations involving negative situations:
l Don’t try to fix people’s problems. Instead, just be supportive of them. For example, if your friend is losing the family business, be sure to say, “I know you’ll survive this and come out on top.” Don’t say, “Well, you need to keep trying harder.”
l Realise that life moves in cycles. Listen to issues, but don’t let them sink in too deeply. The friend who has three bad things happening all at once will move through the problems in the coming months. While you’re upset over her issues, your friend will be booking a trip or cruise.
l Do suggest an expert to help, if you know one. For instance, if your friend’s baby has a serious health issue, mention the fact that you know of a good specialist. But always ask if the other person wants your information. Say, “Would you like me to text you the doctor’s name?”
If your family or friends tend to unload big problems on you, learn to ask a few questions as well. Ask, “What do you think would turn this around?” or “What’s your biggest roadblock here?”
For example, a man we know, whom we’ll call Ron, was getting calls from his friend Derrick every day. Derrick was losing his business and going into panic mode.
Ron asked Derrick to buy a notebook and write down lots of questions. Don offered to help Derrick devise the best questions they could both come up with.
They wrote questions such as these: Why was Derrick not taking in enough revenue? Where was money being lost or wasted? Why was the business stuck and not moving forward? What marketing campaigns might help?
“Derrick, if you ask the right questions, you’ll get the right answers,” Ron told him.
A friend of ours, whom we’ll call Louise, told us her two unemployed adult daughters, both divorced, have moved into her home with their children in tow.
We helped Louise devise some questions that would help immediately. For instance, how could chores be divided? How could the family stabilise its income for all these people?
We advised Louise to improve her situation in steps and stages. Problems of this magnitude aren’t fixed overnight.
“I feel better now,” Louise told us. “If we carefully outline the right questions and plan small improvements, I think we can survive all this.”

♦ Judi Light Hopson is the executive director of the stress management website USA Wellness Cafe at www.usawellnesscafe.com  
♦ Emma Hopson is an author and a nurse educator. Ted Hagen is a family psychologist.

Related Story